The Commercial World

While watching TV commercials this morning, I started to daydream about what life would be like if we lived in the world that's portrayed in said commercials.  I imagine a typical day would go something like this:

I wake up in a panic as I realize that everything is black and white.  Have I lost my ability to see colors and hues and tones?  No.  I simply am using an inferior product.  But what could it be?  I must remedy this issue  so I can regain full use of my senses.  The problem quickly reveals itself when the attractive model who happened to be sleeping next to me wakes up.  And by "wake up" I mean that she dramatically (and silently) arches her back and grimaces while sitting on the edge of...THE BED!  I mean, I feel quite refreshed, but if the beautiful stranger thinks I need a new mattress on which to spoon, with no sheets and no blankets, and with a glass of wine in the corner (or maybe some bowling pins), then I will do everything in my power to buy the right one.  After being magically transported to the mattress store, we select a mattress on which I can jump up and down without waking my girlfriend/wife/one-night-stand or (perhaps more importantly) spilling my alcoholic beverage.

"After nine commercials, I've forgotten what film we were watching"

With the world returned to it's normal color, I can finally start my day.  After enjoying a bowl of Brand Name Bran (part of a complete, colon-healthy breakfast), I turn on the TV.  As one might expect, every channel's lineup consists of half-hour commercials, with short breaks for...more commercials.  I think I see a news program, but it's just a fake report by a fake anchor about a fake break-in at the home of a senior citizen.  Although maybe that break-in is real in this commercial world.  This is all starting to become confusing, and now I have a headache, so I take two Aleve for all-day relief (it would take eight Tylenol to do that).

My headache cured, I decide to drive around and explore this strange new world.  I find a brand new Cadillac in my driveway (that talking baby did wonders for my investment portfolio) and, oddly enough, an old Subaru Forester (I must have some sort of nostalgic memories associated with it).  I'm really hoping to be able to fly down curvy highways (on a closed course) at 190mph without worrying about a speeding ticket or even an accident (because I just bought insurance from a diminutive cartoon army general, and no longer have to worry about Mayhem).  But alas, it seems everyone else in the area has the same idea, because the highways are backed up with everything from Audis to Jaguars to Volvos (all driven by professional drivers).

I take the next exit and head for the scenic natural wonder of the Grand Canyon.  This will surely make the day worthwhile!  Nope.  There is yet another traffic jam waiting to frustrate my day further, but upon closer inspection I find that normal automobiles are not the culprit, but rather a swarm of senior citizens on motorized scooters, slowly puttering their way to the top where they can revel in how active they are in their old age.

Well this is all just too much for me.  By now, I'm just ready for this day to be over.  I return home, take a bath in an old-fashioned tub that is inexplicably stationed outside of my house, watch TV in my Snuggie, and gradually fall asleep while counting Serta sheep jumping over furniture from the Red House.


P.S.- I came across this during my internet searches, and it made me laugh.  It might make you laugh too.